circadies

03:18 am: not-so-secret internet secret posted:
i think buzzing hair off is incredibly hot

12:54 am: is it possible?
for a person to listen to a metric shitton of def leppard

to the point where it's actually more than just silly and kind of self-destructive?


i vote for YES

01:54 pm: i feel like i'm slowly going crazy
i got my palm read, which was awesome. pretty insightful, and i *kind of* teared up at some points. especially when he started right off the bat with the most pertinent themes that i struggle with most.

yesterday, i said i was coming in to work today. but i just kind of don't really see the point. it's unpleasant and i don't want to be around any of the people at work. it's almost 2 pm. i kind of doubt i'm going in.

yeah, lots of drama coming out of the whole work thing. my boss and his boss are both crazy assholes. so they've both been picking fights with me because they've taken my leaving like some kind of passive aggressive "fuck you!" when i want to leave because i hate my job. i gave them two weeks notice, but they've made my leaving a huge fucking deal. and i'm very uncomfortable with leaving and being there at the same time. very.

i hate my boss's boss. who micromanages my boss like some kind of goon that she sends out to bully me. it's fucking retarded. she was gone on vacation for two weeks, and my coworker was like "maybe we should water her plants." the next day i went into boss-boss's cubicle and spat on one of the plants on her desk. i hate working in an office, and do not like cubicles.

bob's sick, i think it's most likely bronchitis. if it's anything besides bronchitis, i will not handle it well. outwardly, yes. internally, no.

my parents are back in town, my dad has to meet with his oncologist. my dad's been cocky and acting like a bigshot who owns the world. more likely than not, he will start threatening my mom's life again. which is just about when the cancer comes back. i believe in miracles, kind of. unconventional ones anyway.

i'm struggling with the law of attraction right now because it's hard to be positive. it really is a struggle. oh god, is it hard. i need to exorcise myself of these self-defeating thoughts and burn a witch on a stake because things are just not working right now. they're just not. my brain just feels like it's getting pulled into whirlpools that are not going to take me anywhere good. i totally hate it.

i started taking drum lessons, we'll see how those will go. i think my ability to sight read is kind of working against me now, because i can play more than i actually am ready for. but i'm only two lessons in, so we'll see what happens. paradiddle, paradiddle, paradiddle, paradiddle.

i'm also trying to train for another triathlon in august, but it's hard to be motivated. i'm training with someone who also did lavaman for tnt. so that's cool.

11:42 am: mercury in retrograde
...is supposed to fuck communications up. something about mercury going backwards in orbit, especially when it slowwwwws down really bears down on anything pertaining to communications.


let me set the backdrop for this story: lately i've been way sleep deprived and feeling pretty crazy. just like, that gross "everything is fucked" feeling of having semi-raw nerves.

anyway, the other day i was at work and got a phone call from a resident i'd done a home visit for. everything was going pretty normal until she started talking to me like a fucking chipmunk.

like alvin and the chipmunks.

this tiny, high pitched, sped-up chipmunk voice squeaking at me about her couch. i almost lost it. i jiggled the cord going into the handset and squeezed my eyes shut trying to keep control of the explosive laughter and told her that i thought i was having problems with my phone and would call her back.

have you ever gotten a chipmunk's phone number wrong? i have. "okay, so it's 206-xxx-1231?" "no, it's 206-xxx-1321!" that was really when it got hard for me to keep my shit together. i had to get off the phone, i didn't want to ask her "WHY do you sound like a chipmunk, lady?!" and have the chipmunk voice ask me wtf i was talking about. no, it was too much to handle.

anyway, i hung up and wondered if i should ask other people in the office if they'd had problems with the phone lately. at the risk of sounding like a lunatic. or... just wait and call the woman back and hope that she wasn't going to sound like i'd lost a piece of my mind.

the woman called back a few minutes later while i was deliberating, thankfully sounding like a real human again. she told me she has a voice changer on her phone and she must have accidentally hit the button with her cheek mid-conversation.

voice changer, what the hell.

anyway. with sleep deprivation working against me and having that weird sort of "i think i've gone crazy" feeling, that little communications mindfuck of the day was nearly enough for me to ask for a mental health day. seriously, i'd thought i'd gone off the deep end. when i'd told my boss what had happened, i was so grateful i wasn't crazy that i was practically sob-laughing as i told him. of course, this made me look as though i'd gone mad. but really, i was fine with that because at least he wasn't talking to me in a god forsaken chipmunk voice.

12:13 pm: everything is everything
i can't even begin to explain what the past few weeks have been like.

all in all, i think i could greatly benefit from better sleep and nutrition. my body, mind and spirit have been through the wringer these past few weeks.

i want to throw in the towel and crawl into bed and sleep it off for like a week or something. but i have to make it through the ridiculousness, because i'll be happier for it. even if i feel like a tired bag of turds most of the time. GOD. SO MUCH TO DO.

things are positive right now, which is the weirdest part. but unfortunately i'm feeling too shitty and tired to appreciate it.

i don't even care, i just want to crawl into bed.

10:53 pm: oh noes, rut roh
oh noes rut roh oh noes rut roh oh noes rut roh oh noes rut roh oh noes rut roh oh noes rut roh oh noes rut roh oh noes rut roh oh noes rut roh oh noes rut roh oh noes rut roh oh noes rut roh oh noes rut roh oh noes rut roh oh noes rut roh oh noes rut roh oh noes rut roh oh noes rut roh oh noes rut roh oh noes rut roh oh noes rut roh oh noes rut roh oh noes rut roh oh noes rut roh oh noes rut roh oh noes rut roh oh noes rut roh oh noes rut roh oh noes rut roh oh noes rut roh oh noes rut roh oh noes rut roh oh noes rut roh oh noes rut roh oh noes rut roh oh noes rut roh oh noes rut roh oh noes rut roh oh noes rut roh oh noes rut roh oh noes rut roh oh noes rut roh oh noes rut roh oh noes rut roh oh noes rut roh oh noes rut roh oh noes rut roh oh noes rut roh oh noes rut roh oh noes rut roh oh noes rut roh oh noes rut roh oh noes rut roh oh noes rut roh oh noes rut roh oh noes rut roh oh noes rut roh oh noes rut roh oh noes rut roh oh noes rut roh oh noes rut roh oh noes rut roh oh noes rut roh oh noes rut roh oh noes rut roh oh noes rut roh oh noes rut roh oh noes rut roh oh noes rut roh oh noes rut roh oh noes rut roh oh noes rut roh oh noes rut roh oh noes rut roh oh noes rut roh oh noes rut roh oh noes rut roh oh noes rut roh oh noes rut roh oh noes rut roh oh noes rut roh oh noes rut roh oh noes rut roh oh noes rut roh oh noes rut roh oh noes rut roh oh noes rut roh oh noes rut roh oh noes rut roh oh noes rut roh oh noes rut roh oh noes rut roh oh noes rut roh oh noes rut roh oh noes rut roh oh noes rut roh oh noes rut roh oh noes rut roh oh noes rut roh oh noes rut roh oh noes rut roh oh noes rut roh oh noes rut roh oh noes rut roh oh noes rut roh

12:19 am: too sleep deprived to blow my top
god. shit. fuck.



i'm so fucking irritated.

10:36 pm: bring on the regret
starting now

god, this is what i get for wanting to live with no regrets

01:36 pm: what i have done in the past three years
i've been asked what i've done in the past three years.

and i hate to say "nothing", just to seem uninteresting like there's really nothing worth asking about. and i hate being cryptic except that i have to say something because this shit's really getting to me. boring is easy, i need more boring. 2008, year of the boring. please, please.

but i feel like it's just way easier to say "uh, nothing" then to be truthful and spill the beans about all of the craziness. so you know, whatevs. the sober years aren't really a part of my life that i've been able to negotiate smoothly into a cohesive whole in terms of my identity... sober, i know. fucked up.

being a lesbian would make life so much easier sometimes, i think.




recently i've been told that i love to make things more complicated than they have to be, but i can't imagine shit being simple at this point when i have a general insecurity about 2006.

10:29 pm: finally getting caught up on lj
for someone who hates being out of the loop, i sure do slack off on my internet stalking.

02:07 am: the year that's starting off at a lurch
i'm doing an inventory of the past few years and i'm getting depressed. it's hard to hide.



i really want to be happy but i have a sadness. there's a lot that i've done to strive to get stronger and be happier but it's just not happening for me. so that void is still there. i'm so tired. but if i don't work on it, then what the fuck else can i do?


it's really important for me to be able to prove that i can be normal and work a 9-5 job. i have to be functional enough to pull this off. so this is my challenge for this year. thank god americorps does one year tours of duty, i couldn't do a two year commitment like with peace corps. today i was reading and the flourescent light coupled with the lack of windows and the upholstered cubicle walls was getting to me. this is day one. so the styrofoam oppression of the office job does not bode well. fuck. but seriously, i have to do this.

i nearly took on some job which was way more typical of me, as a case worker for homeless people. i need less excitement and turned it down as appealing as it seemed. just to be in my element and working in a population that i'm familiar with.

if i'm not happy with this new job, i'm going to be a firefighter/emt. and put my life in grave danger every time i go to work. because apparently i get off on endorphins/shock/human trauma. i'm full of shit and don't mean any of that. i just need to be out of my element doing something unfamiliar for the whole year just to know that i'm capable of making a commitment.

what i reaaaaally wanted was the gig at the center for wooden boats. and just learn about sailing for a year. and take it easy. but the spot was closed and so here i am with the american lung association. i never saw myself working in public health, or in a cubicle, but it's better if none of it is anything i expect of myself.

i just think about who i was when i was a little kid and i just wonder who i am now. i really have no idea. whatever happens, this is a ride that i have to trust.


what's on my mind is what i can take to the altar for sacrifice. i'm definitely identifying with the book of job right now, and feel like the past year i've been scraping off boils with pot shards. i figure if i've got anything good coming to me that is going to create happiness, i'm going to be the last one to know.

my mom is an old woman now. she doesn't smell like my mother to me anymore. she smells like that strange dusty acidic smell that old people have. she's more prone to getting confused. and just seems smaller, slower. i got her sudoku for christmas, because i'm scared of seeing her mental state become hazy and watching her degenerate.

my dad might die this year. i have to come to terms with this, and decide if i want to watch him die. or be there so he won't be alone.

i'm not ready for these things, but they've been set into motion.

06:38 pm: AGH!
that's about all i've got. i hate being dumb. and now i feel that way most of the time.

happy new year, everyone.

02:30 am: goddamnit
sometimes dating is so goddamned dumb.

why can't i just marry the perfect guy.

which is to say, i still can't get over my crush. wtf. what kind of crush goes on for that long? that's fucking dumb.

even if i meet someone perfectly nice it's like, there's a bajillion things wrong with him that could never add up to the things that are right with my crush. ;aslkdfja;lskdfja;sldkfjas;ldkfja. I'M VERY FRUSTRATED.

06:19 pm: busted gay mess
so. kate's my best friend. she lives in san francisco. she wanted to go to coachella, and i was like, "cool, i'll go, too."

i took a 20+ hour train ride down to cali, met up with kate in the financial district and hopped in the minivan we rented with a few others for the ride down to indio (9 hours). the people we rode with hated my taste in music, which was discouraging. at this point, if i hear cyndi lauper or erasure or any gay anthem i'm going to see the red mist and go on a killing spree. gays and breeders alike.

now... kate and i have already bitched and processed the trip. but i feel that i should do an el jay update.

kate and i travelled with margaret, an old friend from high school in france. her roommate came along, and at the last minute, so did her girlfriend.

margaret's roommate is a total queen. with the scariest calves. they looked like exaggerated, like veiny cod ovaries turgid and filled with steroids. anyway, he took shotgun the whole way because he "really needed the air."

margaret's girlfriend. woof. that sums it the hell up.

margaret + gf are a new codependent couple. and they would not. stop. touching. i'm hungover and can't handle thinking about it. ugh. the thought of them being all rubbies-feelies makes me sick.

i'm grossing myself out just thinking about the fact that i'm typing this up. but there are a lot of really funny stories. i had NO idea that kate and i were going to be traveling with the gay and lesbian covergirls of "busted gay mess" magazine.

coachella was hot. oppressively hot, like 100+ degrees. i was somewhat amused at the of montreal set. right next to us, there was this girl sitting on the ground with her bf's t-shirt draped over her head. she was having problems coping with the heat. and she was wearing this sweater dress, knit leggings and suede slouch boots. not to say that she was asking for it, but she was totally asking for it.

peeping tom was fucking amazing. bjork's set got pretty fucked up, and was embarassing to watch, but no one gave a shit. the sound systems were by far the best i've ever heard. etc, etc.

i hitched a ride down to LA after the festival because i was *not* going to do the festival for another day. rode with a couple texan tourists and marg's ugmo gf. i wouldn't have a problem with the ugmo if she had a good personality or was halfway smart or interesting, but she acted like an insufferable 13 year old girl (even though she's 33). the fug has a brother in LA, and i had a boy to go see.

went to a mod party saturday night with boy. *sigh*. words cannot describe... this... "party." mods in LA? come the fuck on. anyway, it made me miss the twilight exit. and i don't even like the twilight exit anymore. the boy is a really kind guy, super fun and comfy to be around. hanging out with him made me realize that i kind of really would like to have a boyfriend to hang out with.

anyway, so the queen of our group at coachella succumbed to the heat on saturday, and marched his fug ass (with 6 ventis, methadone and hiv pos coursing through his veins) back to the festival from the hospital. a 2 mile walk in the desert in 112 degree weather.

there's so much more, but i've got to get going because i'm at the nanny fam's house and the dad just got it.

i'll report more later. <3

02:15 am: california
...is more than i can bear.

but i can smoke more pot than my brain can handle. because no one expects considerable conversation out of anyone. i barely have to pretend that i'm a vertebrate after i've been smoking. which is kind of gross.

emotional weekend with a trick? YES it is possible, but a bad habit i shouldn't get myself into. because it's just fucking dumb. and too bad it's a habit i've already gotten myself into. they always mean so much more to me than a trick in the end.

got a new cubscout shirt to wear. so that makes me happy.

also had a crash course in codependcy. traveling with couples can be more hell than the human spirit can handle. never going to do it again.

11:51 pm: job
four months into my employment at the new place, i'm pretty sick of my job.

however, i still love nannying. i think the thing about it is that i am the only person in charge when i'm working, and i tend to take it very personally if someone questions my judgement. especially with kids, because i know i do good work. and i really don't appreciate having my judgment questioned by someone who's been asleep the whole shift.

anyway.

i'm not working any more night shifts, so hopefully that should help. i still need to get my food handler's permit (which won't be until may) and find my dumb cpr card (i can only find my first aid card.)

the only commitment i've been able to stick to and see through to the bitter end has been college (and even then i was late to class every day.) so maybe i need to go back to school. even though it will kill me. i don't know where to go for grad school, or for what. i'm kind of torn between getting a degree in counseling, law or acupuncture.

11:26 pm: american irish
apparently eating corned beef and cabbage on st. patty's day isn't a tradition in ireland. they eat ham.

and luck o' the irish isn't an irish expression, either. it's an expression that came into being during the gold rush.

i really like working at the cottage with the awesome british woman.

also, i'm glad this stretch of overnight shifts will be over after this one.

and i'm annoyed by my coworker for this overnight shift. it's going to be a long night, i can tell. i'm going to be a shambles tomorrow, but that's okay. because the new nin album is gunna be sooooooooo gooooooooood.

10:04 am: someone
please please please please please

remind me

to not take on anymore night shifts or drink caffeine or do anything that might compromise my ability to form some kind of normal sleep pattern.... EVER AGAIN.

wtf, it's like the most manageable amount of weed or coffee is liable to send me off the deep end. i have no choice but to be completely straight edge at this point. because somehow, the smallest amount of any substance somehow makes living life and dealing with adversity COMPLETELY UNMANAGEABLE. i am actually glad i quit smoking.

i scheduled myself for shifts through april... after that, NEVER AGAIN. i'm working the shifts i've scheduled. and now i'm going to get motivated to like. go to sleep at night.

07:59 pm: butts
my retarded fucking roommie came back home.

that dumb asshole was assholing around for like a week and a half at some person's house. translated: he was house-sitting. so this means he was busy assholing around in a location that was NOT HERE. heaven.

and you know what? it make my butt feels heavy, like i gata take a dump on his goddamned fat and hairy chest.

AND i hope his dumb fucking beta fish dies. DIES. i swear, i am real close to peeing in the tank water. the idea of doing so pleases me. the dumb fucker won't get a tanklight for it. he uses his SPACE HEATER. which he LEAVES ON CONSTANTLY TO HEAT THE ENTIRE ROOM 24/7. i shouldn't have to explain why that's fucking retarded. and he's a fatass, so he should have no problemo with staying warm... and not feel so goddamned obliged to hide behind some two dollar fish as his excuse for his mongoloid ways.

anyway.

it's pretty bad that my sentiments towards him are summed up in these two words: human toilet.

i've had very discouraging roommates in the past. and this isn't to say that i've endured typical dumb roommate drama between me and someone relatively smart/stable autonomous individual... but to say "very discouraging," i mean to say that i have lived with bonafide lunatics.

for instance, there was one chick who was subletting from tomomi who turned out to be a klepto. and was so spastic. i had some guests from connecticut staying with me, and it was unsettling for them to be around this chick. imagine a girl version of jeff spicoli. with yoko ono hair. and the attention span of pauly shore. it was pretty horrible living with her. and i discovered she had an adult friend finder account. so. unsavory. yes i saw the pics. no i'm not letting anyone see the link.

there was another roommate who was like, this crazy-ass middle aged woman from alaska (i have no idea why seattle university placed me in a room with her). it should have been some clue to me that my placement with her was a terrible idea because she was 37 and too broken to be able to handle paying rent for a place off-campus... but i was young and naive then. i've only learned to run like, this year. anyway, jax worked in the cafeteria. everyone knew her as the bedraggled hick that made omelettes on saturday. i say bedraggled hick because bitch was missing hella toofs. and i think it's because her ex-husband prolly hit her in the mouth a lot. OH, this one time she showed off her scar from when she had to have gall bladder surgery. which stained my brains. i could NOT forget to look at it every time she disrobed in front of me. her naked body was more or less in the form of a chicken dumpling, and looked every bit as pasty. she also kinda smelled like it, too. anyway, she also ended up being a klepto.

yannow? gimme a fucking break. like... walking in on bjs and general miscommunication is like "whatever" to me. but don't steal my goddamned shit while yr ass be smelling like weed and chicken noodle soup. i just fucking LOSE it.

12:22 am: stoned
i got stoned out of my gourd tonight.

it was my first time smoking in like, two years.

and this is the second night i've hung out, completely incapacitated in the presence of a chemo patient. donna heated up some tasty eggrolls... and i was WAY too stoned to be able to speak. in addition to that, we watched Sherrybaby. which was kind of like watching someone set fire to themselves. slowly. donna was fortunate enough to have the timing to leave the room at the most creepy parts of the movie.



i've got quite a bit of nannying ahead of me. this is a work-heavy week. i hope i get to play next weekend. sigh. frazzled. sigh. finally getting caught up with heroes.

considering going back to school so that i can get onto a regular schedule of some variety. because this fucking sucks.